When it gets bad, it seems really bad. When my mood turns dark, I lose hope of change. I just want to be alone and I push everyone else away. It seems like this will not lift because the ‘wanting to’ is not coming through. Why don’t I want to continue? Because life seems like an endless circle of behavior patterns-cycles of good, bad, good bad, and the dark times obscure any reason to ‘weather them out’. I’d rather give up but I can’t seem to escape this planet and I can’t seem to escape the patterns. Yes, I push people away and I know I’m doing it. It’s for their own good, right? My reasoning fails me during these times. I judge-they don’t live up to my expectations; my ideas of how things should be. I’m not fit for relationships. Why did I pick this partner? Why the hell did he pick me? Why can’t I be an effective influence on my kids-I’m a poor Mother. Why don’t I want to know others, be intimate? I am not good enough for the people who-for some crazy reason-continue to love me. Why can’t I just love them back, no matter what? Doesn’t this mean that something is drastically wrong? Doesn’t this mean that I should just be alone? Why am I not grateful for my situation just the way it is? All of it seems unbearable and hopeless. This is madness, the world is insane. I get so tired of this, yet I can’t sustain the happiness, the ‘good’ times and I just hope something magical will happen to lift me out of this funk.
But guess what? I have to do it myself. I have to-as soon as I see an opportunity-set about making things right. I have to get involved in life, nature or relationships somehow and just be present or just find a way to make a connection. Most recently, while in one one of these funky times (and not completely out yet) I decided to keep commitments to visit family because it’s Easter weekend. Mostly everyone else did the talking and visiting and I was as polite as possible and listening. And I was sad that I didn’t feel like my usual self. I saw an opportunity though, when home again last night. I hosted an Easter egg hunt early, since the 4 of us will be going separate ways to visit different families today. This helped me start to pull out of the dark time. I was doing more for others than (thinking about) myself-and my ‘situation’.
I am told that the dark times can serve a purpose if I can ‘feel’ what’s going on yet remember that:
- It will shift!
- People still love me
- I am valued and appreciated
- I can choose to come out of this by ‘getting to work’
There is not a magic cure. I need to feel things deeply; spend time alone and in contemplation. I have to choose to put myself forward. The universe means me no harm. Life is benevolent.